S01E05 - Letting Go of Perfectionism

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Hello and welcome back to Carry On with Criselda.  As always, I am so grateful that you have stopped by to join us today.  Be sure to stay till the end, don’t skip to the end, but stay through to the end for another lighthearted, special message.

Not that long ago, I was presented with an interesting opportunity.  An opportunity which I knew nothing about, yet it was intriguing to me because it had possibilities and potential for something that was completely different from anything I’ve ever done or experienced in my life.  This proposition stopped me in my tracks and left me considering it for the remainder of that day and the following few days.  Could I do this thing that I was presented with?  That was only the first of many questions that followed.  What was this opportunity?  This podcast.

You see, I met with my sister, who happens to be experienced in audio and video production, having taught it as a high school teacher and prior to that, ran a local radio talk show as an attorney, which was her previous profession.  In my conversation with her, I shared how I was looking to do something different.  I mentioned that I made an attempt which was an experiment to start a Youtube channel.  I didn’t even tell her the name of it because I wasn’t sure I even wanted to continue it.  I only put out two videos, again, just experiments.  Till this date, I’ve had a total of 34 views and yes, some of those views are from me.  Anyway, in our discussion, my sister suggested I try podcasting, as she already had all the equipment needed.  Brilliant!  But could I do this?  Sure, sounds like fun!  But wait, I don’t know.  I’m scared.  I was back and forth like this for a while until I finally decided, what the heck!  If I don’t do this, it’s going to eat at me about what could have been.  Then right away, I knew, I knew that I was going to have a mental rollercoaster that I was going to have to get a handle on, regarding perfectionism.

Now in most things, I would not consider myself a perfectionist.  In fact, if there is a way to find a shortcut in something, then I’ll absolutely do it.  Oh, I’ve had OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) tendencies in the past, but over the years, because I must rely on myself for many things, I’ve gotten more lax by resisting the pressure to be perfect, especially in those things that are not of dire consequence.  Depending on the situation and if it impacts anyone else, I will act accordingly.  Having said that, a podcast is in my opinion a huge deal.  This is not me talking at the wall here.  What I say puts a responsibility on me that I must take seriously.  So, my perfectionism takes a Level 10 here.  My mind wants to immediately jump to offering a polished product in every way, from niche - niche - niche, however you like to say it, to individual topics to show structure to sounding professional in the recordings and so much more.

But I knew I wanted to do this.  So, after telling my sister I would take her up on her offer to start this podcast with her gracious assistance as our sound engineer, I needed to decide what this podcast would be about.  Here’s where my mental rollercoaster started.  For I was immediately struggling with feelings of inadequacy on what in the world I could offer that was worth tuning into.  Imposter syndrome anyone?  Yes, that’s another episode topic.  And, I don’t know, maybe rightly so because, confession:  in the span of my life, I have never really honed in on any one particular thing that I’ve mastered enough to teach or discuss as an authority.  I’ve only dabbled in certain hobbies, but only dabbled.  A sort of jack of all trades, master of none.  Am I good at any of the things I've tried?  Sure, I’m ok.  I have potential, but I’m not at a level that bumps my confidence to speak on it.  And anything work related, which for me is the corporate world, is just too boring to me.  Not interested.  Things were not looking good for me.  But I refused to let that get in the way of this opportunity to do something that is already meaningful to me, something that is beyond me.  Most of my life up to the start of the podcast, was me living life as it came on a daily basis, playing it safe.  But doing this podcast was an opportunity to live life on purpose.

So, after thinking about it some more, I reflected on what my life has been, and I had to dig into the vault of my innermost thoughts of what I hold dear in this life.  And you know what I came up with?  One of the underlying themes of my spirit is the desire to see people who are struggling, lost, hopeless, lonely and hurting, find even an ounce of hope, encouragement and inspiration.  I have found myself from time to time watching “faith in humanity” videos on Youtube and just bawling my eyes out.  There are way too many things in this life that I don’t understand.  And the thought of how many people hurt every day and go without anybody showing them they care really saddens me.  So many are tired and alone and I wish it wasn’t so.

I’ve definitely felt my fair share of disempowering emotions in the past and I’ve looked to myself, the people around me and self-help resources to get unstuck and those experiences along the years have given me a smorgasbord of things I could definitely share with certainty and that would be my way of reaching out and touching the hearts of those who need to hear an encouraging message that says, “You are not alone.”, “You can do this.”, “You’ve got this.”, or maybe my favorite, “Don’t do what I did.”

So that began the niche.  Check.  Still, there was so much to consider in starting this podcast.  Remember, I have no previous experience and perfectionism was still ready to rear its ugly head every step of the way with me.  My sister?  Oh, no problem!  She’s experienced and totally knows what she is doing, which was a great comfort.  And if it wasn’t for her, I would not be talking to you right now, so I am extremely grateful for her.  And yes, I am looking into the windows of her soul right now as I say this. (laughs) Made her laugh. 

So, the next thing for me was to look up every video, every blog, and every podcast I could get my hands on about how to start a podcast.  Times like this I wish my brain worked as fast as a computer in that I could download all the information I would need to know within just a few minutes before stepping out on the ledge.  I have this crazy tendency where I could read and read and read and watch way too many videos about how to do something before I actually do something.  Again, it’s the perfectionist in me.  I want to already have mastered it before doing it but how do I expect myself to master it without doing it first?  I told you, crazy.  I mean, I don’t want to do this sounding like I don’t know what I’m doing.  I believe you may even notice how nervous I sounded from our first episode.  Maybe you can go back and listen to it and then let us know if you agree in the comments.

Well, I just had to push myself beyond how my perfectionist tendency was limiting me because if I had yielded to it, I could stretch it out to unbelievable lengths until I felt absolutely ready to get started in recording in the first place.  In past experiences, I’ve allowed perfectionism to hold me back from taking that leap.  I would be that baby bird that the mama bird would have to push out of the nest.  So, it was me that had to do my own pushing.  And I had to give up the idea that it would be at the level going in that I’d like it to be and accept that this is going to be my messy beginning.  I will learn as I go.  

I can’t exactly place it, but I feel like I’ve seen a movie or a cartoon, where someone was in an enchanted cave or lair and they had to cross over from one edge of a cliff to another several feet away but in order to do that they had to take the first step over the edge and as soon as they did, a flat rock, just the right size appeared, suspended but stationary which gave them their next step.  Then for the next step, they had to do the same thing; move forward and the next rock would appear.  That was the only way they could make it across to the other side.  As long as they stood still, the next step would not appear before them.  That takes trust.  That’s what letting go of perfectionism is like.  Instead of allowing it to keep you from moving forward, you’ve got to just move and trust that the next steps will fall into place.

And if you are going through something similar as this where you have to step out but are afraid of the unknowns, just do it.  Are you afraid of how you’ll be perceived?  I believe that as long as you are doing it with the purest of intentions and with the essence of who you are, you can’t go wrong.

I also think there’s an opportunity of witnessing something very special in how this project (this podcast) could blossom.  And you are here to go through it with us.  

You know another reason that holds back someone in the face of perfectionism?  Our fear of judgment from others.  And maybe it’s a learned behavior from a past experience.  Maybe you were made to feel inadequate by someone who unreasonably expected perfection from you and now you carry the burden of operating at a level of perfectionism.  Or maybe it was more like a bully who singled you out in front of others about something you did which embarrassed you and in order to avoid that feeling again, you developed a tendency towards perfection.  Either way, if it was someone who caused you to be a perfectionist, I say they were wrong.  And I encourage you to let go.  Let go of the moment that that person made you feel inadequate and let go of being a perfectionist.  Now I’m not saying don’t do a good or great job in whatever you do.  What I am saying is to ease up on the need to be a perfectionist, especially if it’s for some anybody who wants to be a stickler about things just so they can be satisfied.  Side note:  if you are a brain surgeon or a rocket scientist, don’t listen to me.  Those are not jobs that I’d advocate an, “Eh, that’s good enough” attitude.  Back to what I was saying.  Nobody is perfect and it’s unreasonable to exert your energy in that way because that will eventually lead to burnout.  You will find though, in most cases, people are more forgiving and understanding than you realize.  There are some who don’t even care about the tiny details that you are racking your brain over.  They want authenticity more than perfection.

That was one of the driving factors that I focused on in pushing through to getting myself to that next step.  That, and releasing any limiting beliefs about myself.  In order for me to boost my confidence in preparing topics and actually recording myself, I needed to let go of the possibility that it may not resonate or maybe my writing style is off.  I haven’t written like this in over 20 years.  Initially, I wanted to do my recordings by just writing out bullet points of what I would talk about, a shortcut, but I quickly realized that I have too many things I want to say, and I was sure I would forget.  [robotic voice] So yes, the words you are hearing me speak right now are being read from my script.  (laughs) They really are but when I type them out, it comes across in my head as me sitting here just talking to you, which is how I read it, or try to read it, when we record.  So, I hope it’s coming across that way for you too.  Other podcasters advise against scripts, and I can appreciate where they’re coming from but for now, I can’t not do it.  

My favorite Youtuber, his name is Jon Levi, quite a different niche than what I do.  But he does his recordings without a script.  He has said a few times he doesn’t like to do scripts.  He just hits record and starts talking about his topic, which I so admire.  Maybe someday I can get to that point but in the meantime, I’ve got to do like, “Anchorman”.  I’m Ron Burgundy?  And that’s ok because I am not perfect.

So, these are some of the things that I had to consistently remind myself in order to get this podcast going.  There is still so much for me to learn, and I look forward to it all.  I am so glad that I didn’t allow perfectionism to get in my way.  And I encourage you to do the same.  Remember, sometimes you just have to start, and it may be messy at the beginning.  But progress is better than perfection.  The point is, you want to be in motion.  There is freedom once you release any resistance to perfection.  And when you do, just see how much further you can go.  Until then, stay classy, just kidding.  Carry on without perfection.

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