S01E14 - Le’go My Ego!

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Hello and welcome back to Carry On with Criselda, the podcast that encourages and provides suggestions on balancing our thoughts and emotions while we carry on with our day to day.  I am your host, Criselda.  Be sure to stay tuned to the end for a special, lighthearted message.

Before we begin, I’d like to mention that in the near future, this podcast will have guests on the show.  If there are any topics you’d like to hear about that haven't been discussed yet on this show or topics I have discussed that you’d like to hear from a second source for a different perspective, please visit my website, carryonwithcriselda.com.  I will have a blog post for you to introduce yourself and comment on what you’d like to hear.  Let me know what struggles you have when it comes to balancing your thoughts and emotions on a daily basis.  What are your pain points?  What answers are you seeking?  This podcast is here to serve your needs.  I look forward to hearing from you.  And now onto our topic.

Egos.  We all have them to some degree.  They are, after all, useful for helping us develop self-confidence.  That’s one end of the spectrum.  However, gone unchecked, the opposite end of the spectrum is conceit, self-centeredness and a plethora (Three Amigos, anyone?), a plethora of other unsavory personality traits.  No one likes a person who is only interested in themself in a way that impedes or overlooks others’ mere existence.  It is most assuredly a sign of insecurity. That's the difference between confidence and egotism.  Confidence is someone who believes in themselves while accepting their imperfections because they know there is always room to grow.

So, why does it matter to keep egotism in check?  Well, as mentioned earlier, most people really don’t like those who are self-centered, mister or miss know-it-alls who are stubborn, or don’t listen to reason, because they believe they have it all figured out, who have a selfish disregard for most people, especially if it’s someone that they can leverage themselves off of for gainful motives.  Nothing is ever good enough for the egotist.  Egotism is a hungry, ravenous wolf.  No, you know what?  Wolves are beautiful, majestic creatures and cousin to the doggo, so no, they are cuties in my book and undeserving to be conflated with an egotist.  Egotism is like a parasitic bureaucrat.  Unnecessary.  Burn!  What I’m trying to say is that they are generally unhappy, whether they want you to believe otherwise or not.  And we don’t want to wind up as such which is why it’s important that we bravely point the mirror in our own direction for self-growth.    

So, now that we have established how an egotistical person is not a desirable trait, let’s also do a little mental checklist to make sure we too, don't demonstrate such loathsome qualities.  This may not be a good analogy, but just as cars need check-ups in order to run efficiently, such as changing the oil, rotating the tires (which reminds me, I need to get mine done soon), changing the air filters, refilling the headlamp fluid (What? I’m not a mechanic), this would be a good opportunity for us to go through our own checklist to make sure we are being the best we can be.  If there is something to be found that needs work, by being aware and acknowledging it, we can remedy that and be better off for it.  As I mentioned just a couple of episodes ago, it’s a way to clean that slate and start again, new.  It contributes to our personal growth.  Here’s another analogy.  If you are an artist, namely a painter, every once in a while you have to take a step back to look at the whole picture in order to analyze how it’s coming along so that you can make adjustments where needed or fine-tune any spots that need attention.  We too, must take a step back from ourselves to evaluate the person we are in order to sand off any rough edges of our personality that need maintenance.  So, with that, here we go.

1.  Are you self-aware?

Well, yeah.  Most of us are self-aware.  We are beings who live life from our point of view.  We see things through our own eyes and sense things through our own senses.  We also acknowledge others who exist, humans and animals alike, and our place in the world amongst others through the roles we hold in our personal and professional lives.  Via our thoughts and emotions, we are aware of how we impact others through the interactions and communications we hold with others.  The typical egotist, however, is quite self-centered to the point where they don’t stop to think about how their attitude or  behavior affects anyone.  It’s “my way or the highway” thinking.  They don’t give a rat’s behind how something might affect another person if it doesn't benefit them in any way.  Another sign would be that they constantly interrupt when another person is speaking.  It feels more pronounced when it’s one-on-one which is all around, inconsiderate and devalues the other person.  Another trait of the egotist is they don’t apologize when they have wronged someone.  Because they don’t like to admit that they were less than the perfect person they see themselves as in their own eyes.  I see being self-aware as knowing who you are and being willing to change and adapt if what you are doing is affecting another person in a negative way.  “Turn the tables around” or “put yourself in their shoes”, as my mom would say, growing up.  Thanks Mom.  Your advice did not go on deaf ears.

2.  Do you carry a sense of superiority?

A sure sign of someone who is majorly insecure.  Making use of another person to belittle and demean them in order to puff themself up is a low blow move.  Egotists want others to be impressed by them all of the time.  They seek admiration when they have done nothing to earn such regard.  And even if they are great, their actions should speak louder than their words.  They should be doers instead of talkers.  Anybody can talk about how great they are but what do they do?  What do they actually do and how are they in their private life?  Do their actions match their words or are they just useless words?  An egotist who has a sense of superiority does so because they feel they are lacking any kind of confidence in themselves.  If they didn’t, they wouldn’t do it.  It could be they’re hiding the secret that they are the one who feels inferior.  Maybe they do it as a front in order to prevent ever getting looked over.  Or it could be that disparaging another person whether that’s through mocking, discrediting, dismissing, downplaying or minimizing someone’s thoughts, opinions, ideas, or emotions does so because they themselves don’t believe in their abilities or self-worth.  And putting someone down brings that person, in the egotist’s eyes, down to the level they perceive themselves to be in.

3.  Do you always have to be right?

This, I can see as the Kryptonite of egotists.  It can be a hard thing to break as even the mere thought of appearing wrong is a sign of weakness to them.  Therefore, they must be super opinionated know-it-alls, never suggesting they don’t know something if they don’t know something.  They must put on and maintain airs.  They are not interested in constructive criticism nor are they open to suggestions for improvement unless they are the ones who came up with it.  They want to be seen as always knowing the answer.  And that’s just unreasonable.  Not one single person can know everything.  And if they portray they do, they are, in my opinion, lying.  They are making up the rest or making it up as they go along, in order to save face.  I can’t tell you how many “experts” I’ve heard spouting off unfounded things, convinced that their authoritative tone will command tacit agreement.  There is nothing wrong with admitting that you don’t know or don’t have all the answers.  I am personally resigned to the fact that I will be a life-long student of life.  There are way too many mysterious things in this world that we will never know the answers to.

4.  Do you feel entitled?

This is a tough one to ask.  It hurts me just saying it.  The “let me speak to your manager” people of the world.  And no, I am not going to say the name because for anyone who is named that name, I will not sum up that attitude with that name.  I just feel bad for anyone whose name now has a negative connotative meme attached to it.  I’m sure it still hasn’t let up in their own private circles.  Just putting myself in their shoes here.  But you understand where I’m getting at with that kind of attitude.  It’s the expectation of receiving preferential treatment over others.  They have to be in control…..Miss Jackson (just kidding).  They believe they should receive unearned privileges, which is why they become melodramatic when something doesn’t go their way.  It is under this trait that you will often find those who expect positions of power.  As in, they will step on anybody who gets in their way without thinking twice about it because in their mind, they deserve it.  Who cares how it impacts anyone on a lower rung?

5.  Do other people’s successes make you unhappy?

An egotist does not celebrate nor feel sincerely happy for someone else’s good news or promotion.  The reason?  Instead of recognizing how hard a person worked toward that advancement or how long a person hoped for a proposal, the egotist will inwardly pout about the unfairness that it wasn’t them.  Now, I tread carefully here because there are truly some instances that warrant outrage for unspecified or underhanded reasons.  Maybe that quick promotion was a result of that person schmoozing just the right people, which have nothing to do with their merit or work ethic.  After you’ve been working your butt off to produce high quality work so that you can build toward a high rating on your performance review, only to find out that in the end, it doesn’t matter.  It wasn’t good enough.  Oh, but you can’t speak up because that would indicate that you are not a team player, which would get included in your performance review.  And yes, I am describing a scenario that I’ve both witnessed and experienced in my past.  But I digress.  That would be an example that could make anyone irritated.  But a non-egotist would also be able to take an honest evaluation of the circumstances and openly admit when someone else is deserving of such good news.  The egotist, on the other hand, is never happy for anyone’s advancement.

6.  Do you gossip?

Another difficult one.  Look, we all talk about people.  “Hey, did you hear that so-and-so got a new car?  It’s a pretty color and more spacious than their last one which is great for their growing family”.  Or, “I saw on so-and-so’s Facebook profile that they changed their last name.  I guess their divorce finally went through”.  Not a big deal, right?  It’s not cutting them down or saying anything they weren’t willing to reveal.  The egotist, however, might say something like this:  “I wouldn’t trust so-and-so if I were you.  They strike me as the kind of person who talks behind other people’s backs.  They’re always selfish which makes them untrustworthy“.  Do you see the irony in that?  I did that on purpose.  But it’s not so much what they say as the intent behind their words.  Are they talking behind someone’s back to discredit them in order to gain a place of influence?  Perhaps they’re downplaying someone in order to appear grandiose in comparison.  Which now brings me to number seven.

7.  Do you manipulate others?

The overarching theme in this checklist has been selfishness and self-centeredness.  So, it shouldn’t be surprising that an egotist would manipulate others without a second thought.  Just about every interaction and conversation they have with anyone must be questioned.  Things cannot be taken at face value with an egotist.  There is most assuredly an ulterior motive.  Always looking to seize an opportunity for their own personal gain.  They may seem very pleasant toward someone by offering compliments, favors, and acting like they are their friend, but if the other person is not attuned to their hidden agenda, they will be taken advantage of quite easily.

As we can all agree, egotism plainly sucks.  How did you do with this list?  Hopefully, you scored low to zero.  Just remember, it is important that we fully evaluate ourselves from time to time.  That means asking ourselves the tough questions that don’t feel as good as the nice ones.  “Are you a nice person?”, “Do you consider yourself compassionate?”, which is easy for most of us to say yes to, do not make as much headway as point-blankly asking the more piercing questions.  And if you realize you exhibit any behaviors from this list, it’s okay.  This is a self-improvement podcast, so let’s improve ourselves.  Time to wipe your slate clean.    So, what can we do to forego such repugnant character traits that go along with an inflated ego?  Here are some quick suggestions.

1.  Get a dose of reality

Snap out of the fantasy of living in a world where we are the sole performer in a one act play.  There are many parts to the play, just as important as our own.  And hey, we all must realize and acknowledge that everybody here is trying to navigate their lives the best way they can.  Life is hard enough as it is.  Everyone can do without trying to be controlled by some master manipulator egotist just looking to catapult off someone’s good nature in order to propel themselves forward.

2.  Practice gratitude

When we stop for a moment to think about all the good things, big and small, in our lives and exercise gratefulness, it puts us in a place of humility because we recognize that not everyone has the same luxuries, privileges, or opportunities as us.  By being grateful, we are redirecting our selfish nature onto appreciation for the life we have.  You know what would help with this?  A gratitude journal.  I’ll have a few linked in the show notes for you to check out, using my Amazon Associates link, which will help support this podcast.  Gratitude journals are really helpful in that it aids you to dig deeper to the meaningful things that you are blessed with.  And being in that state of gratitude melts the stress off of worrying so much about how you can get ahead.

3.  Realize that actions speak louder than words

As mentioned earlier, anyone can talk a good talk about how great they are, but when it comes down to it, their actions tell a better story.  I’ve always thought to myself anytime I would see someone gloating about themselves, after sighing and rolling my eyes, that if they were really as good as they say they are, their actions would speak for themselves, no advertisement needed.

4.  Acknowledge others

In this world where divisions and dichotomies are perpetuated by those in control, one thing that makes us more alike than not is that we all want to be acknowledged in some form.  We all want some semblance of validation and mutual respect for one another.  By giving someone a chance to speak without interrupting them, allows them the affirmation that they, as much as we, want.  Another way to acknowledge others is to purposefully seek out the good in people.  We are all imperfect.  We know this.  Which is why I think in order to become better, we should do what we can to contribute to a better world by treating each other better.

In order to experience a virtuous life, we must be honest with ourselves, otherwise, who do we think we’re fooling?  I mean, that’s still important, isn’t it?  Living in virtue and integrity?  It seems that some circles of social media exacerbate the decline of such aspirational goals.  But you don’t have to do as everyone does or believe as everyone believes.  That’s groupthink and it strips away our innermost desires and potential to be who we are authentically meant to be.  And you, my friend, are wonderful just as you are.  No pomp and frills needed.

If you are curious on how I did with this checklist, I will post my results on my website, carryonwithcriselda.com.  You will find a blog post entitled, My Results from Episode 14.  I’d also love to hear from you on how you did.

If you are interested in exploring this topic further, a good book on this topic is called Ego Is the Enemy by Ryan Holiday.  At almost 11,000 ratings, it has 4.5 stars and is available in hardcover, paperback, on Kindle and Audiobook.  If you prefer listening to the audiobook, I have a link for you to sign up for a 30-day free trial on Audible through Amazon.  I will provide the link for that as well as the book in the show notes.  Scroll toward the bottom.  You can also find that information on my website at carryonwithcriselda.com.

Thank you for joining me today.  Until next time, carry on with your dead ego.

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